sebtember

I usally don’t cry to music. Or to movies, or whatever. But i can’t stop it right now. I’m crying of something what happened a long time ago. Something i made happen myself.
I’ve been in love. Yes i have, and i hope everyone has. I was in love with a boy who really liked me too. But i ruined it, at usual. I couldnt handle the press, the thought of never being by myself ever again. I am a person who needs myself. More than anything. I need my thoughts, my lonelieness whenever i like it. So i blew it.
And now he has a nother one. A girl, really pretty and cute, and i cant stop thinking that she kind of looks like me. She seems so nice and innocent, so pretty so beautiful, and i wish. I wish she was me. I wish i was in her place now. I seem so strong, so strong somehow. I say: oh whatever he can be with whoever he likes to be with. But inside this knife cuts deeper and deeper into my heart. I say shit. Why do i always destroy it? Shit. Shit. Shit.
These pictures of us two together always come back to me, i cant destroy them. I cant delete them. They always come into my head, when i dont want them to come. And they make me so happy. But then i remember, that was a long time ago.
He is happy now. He doesnt think of me no more.

This song makes me so sad. It reminds me of so happy times. Times that i ruined because i was afraid of loosing it. I lost it. I lost it big times. And i hate myself for that. He was the only person who ive really been in love with.